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Grief & Healing
…and you never reached out. For the last 11 years of my adult life, I have been blessed with the fortune of self-dependence. I have earned a decent living from just one core skill - writing - and its associative forms; journalism, communications, research, marketing, etc. About 25 years ago, I met the person who taught me this precious skill, this April she passed on - and I never got to tell her how much she impacted my life.
Grief & Healing
Memories
There are people who walk with us for so long that they become woven into our sense of self. For many, that person is a sibling - the one who witnessed our childhood, shared rooms, argued over small things, and grew alongside us through every season of life.
Grief & Healing
Sibling grief often sits in the background, quiet and unseen. Parents are at the centre of sympathy, the children and the spouse are comforted while brothers and sisters are expected to “be strong.”
Diaspora
For many Kenyans in the diaspora, loss back home comes with a double burden. Not only do you face the pain of losing someone you love, but you also carry the ache of distance. The phone call announcing the death feels unreal, and by the time you’ve processed it, you’re already scrambling for flight prices or checking livestream links.
When a loved one dies, most families in Kenya are thrown into a whirlwind of grief, cultural obligations, and practical decisions. Suddenly, relatives are asking: Where do we take the body? How do we get a casket? Who organizes the service? The pressure is heavy, especially when time is short.
Death is painful, but the lack of a succession plan makes it even harder. Families that should be leaning on each other for support often end up divided by disputes. By planning ahead, loved ones are spared the burden of conflict and allowed to focus on what truly matters, honoring the memory of the person they’ve lost.
Grief used to be confined to homes, places of worship, and gravesides. You mourned with neighbors, relatives, and close friends who showed up in person. But today, grief often spills into digital spaces: WhatsApp groups, Facebook timelines, and even TikTok tributes.
Grief doesn’t end with a funeral. For many families, the real journey begins in the weeks and months after, when people are searching for ways to hold on to memories.
For many families, funeral costs arrive quickly and unexpectedly, even when love and support are abundant.
A funeral committee helps a family turn many moving parts into a clear plan, share the workload, and keep money matters transparent. Done well, it preserves dignity, reduces stress, and lets the family focus on what matters: honouring a life.
Losing a loved one while living abroad is a layered pain. Beyond the grief itself, there’s the ache of distance — being unable to hug your mother, sit with cousins, or take part in the rituals that make loss feel shared. You’re left watching updates unfold through WhatsApp groups and phone calls, your mourning filtered through screens.
When COVID-19 arrived, it didn’t just disrupt our work, schools, and daily routines — it also disrupted how we say goodbye to those we love. Families who would have normally gathered in the hundreds for funerals were suddenly limited to small groups, socially distanced, or forced to follow proceedings on livestream. Communities that once found healing in closeness had to adapt to grief from afar.
When death strikes a family in Kenya, emotions run high and decisions pile up quickly. Suddenly, relatives find themselves dealing with dozens of calls, endless logistics, and mounting costs — all while trying to grieve. It’s overwhelming, especially if you’ve never been involved in planning a funeral before. One of the first surprises is just how many different service providers, or “vendors,” you’ll need to engage. From mortuary services to transport, catering to tents and chairs, funerals in Kenya have become complex events that require coordination. Knowing in advance who these vendors are and what they do can make a world of difference. This article breaks down the eight most common funeral vendors you’re likely to encounter, what they provide, and why they matter. The goal is simple: to help you feel less blindsided, more prepared, and better equipped to support your family during one of life’s hardest moments.
Faith, Culture & Traditions
In many Kenyan families, conversations about death are quickly brushed aside. “Don’t speak such things into existence,” a parent might say, or an elder may change the topic altogether. It feels safer to leave the unknown unspoken. Yet, when we avoid these conversations, we leave our families unprepared for the inevitable. The truth is, death is part of life. Pretending it won’t come doesn’t prevent it — it only increases the pain and confusion when it does. This article explores why we struggle to plan for death, how cultural and emotional barriers keep us silent, and why breaking that silence is one of the greatest acts of love we can offer our families.
Memories
Grief is rarely a straight line. In Kenya, as in many parts of the world, people experience loss in ways that are deeply personal but also shaped by our cultural, religious, and digital environments. Some losses are expected, others sudden. Some are widely acknowledged, while others are carried in silence. Yet today, grief doesn’t just live in our hearts, homes, or churches. It also shows up in our WhatsApp groups, on Instagram timelines, and in the quiet searches we make on Google late at night. Understanding the different types of grief — and how they manifest online and offline — helps us name our pain and find healthier ways to carry it. This article explores three often misunderstood forms of grief: anticipatory, complicated, and disenfranchised grief.
Memories
Losing someone you love can feel like the ground has shifted under your feet. In the shock and swirl of phone calls, decisions, and emotions, it’s natural to wonder: “Is it too soon to create a memorial page?” You don’t have to get everything right on day one. A memorial page isn’t about perfection — it’s about beginning a gentle, shared space where love, stories, and practical updates can live.
Memories
Losing a loved one comes with many difficult decisions. One of the most significant is choosing how to lay them to rest. In Kenya, families often weigh between burial and cremation — a choice influenced by culture, religion, personal preference, and practical considerations. While both are legally recognized, they carry different expectations and experiences. Understanding these differences can help families make an informed and respectful choice.
Fundraising
In Kenya, when loss strikes, family and friends rally together. It’s one of the most comforting parts of our culture: no one mourns alone. Yet behind the warmth of support lies an uncomfortable reality — asking for help can feel like a burden. Many worry about being “too demanding,” about overburdening friends, or about appearing ungrateful. But the truth is this: asking for support during a funeral doesn’t have to create guilt or pressure. With the right approach, you can invite others to stand with you in love, not obligation. Here’s how to do it in a way that feels natural, respectful, and easier for everyone involved.
Memories
Digital memorials are a gentle and meaningful way to honor someone’s life. They provide a space for reflection, support, and ongoing connection. In times of grief, having a place where love and memories can live on brings comfort.
Memories
When a loved one passes, grief is often accompanied by complex decisions — one of the most sensitive being: who should take the lead in planning the funeral? In many families, this becomes a point of confusion or even quiet tension, especially when the immediate children and extended family members (like uncles and aunties) have different views.
Memories
Whether you choose to send flowers, make a donation, or both, the most important thing is that your gesture comes from the heart. During times of loss, small acts of kindness mean a great deal.
Memories
A practical and compassionate guide on how to support someone who’s grieving. This article explores thoughtful things to say, common phrases to avoid, and offers gentle reminders for being present during times of loss.
Memories
Tribute trees are trees planted in memory of someone who has passed away. These trees can be planted in a garden, a park, or through special tribute tree programs that help plant trees in forests or public spaces. Some families also add a small plaque or message next to the tree, making it a quiet place to visit and reflect.
Grief & Healing
When you have spent most of your young adult life largely being a spectator in burials and funeral preparations...and then suddenly death starts hitting home ever so often, you are comfronted with a new reality - learning grief companionship skills. What do you say to someone whose heart has been crushed into a thousand pieces. Is there anything that can make it feel better?
Lately, I have been having the terrible misfortune of experiencing death so close to home than ever before in my life. It is like I had all this long life of barely knowing anyone bereaved and now the floodgates of the netherworld have been opened and all of sudden I have this audience of loved ones to comfort. And I do not have the faintest idea how to do it right.
It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do my whole life.
You see, through my teens and twenties, it would have seemed that I really didn’t need this skill at all. Either the incidence of death was quite rare within my proximity or I just didn’t notice it all. It seemed like figuring out how to mourn, show solidarity and comfort the bereaved was more a skill needed by proper adults.
In fact, if my memory serves me well, prior to 2020, burials were super rare in my village and environs. This year, we have had a burial almost every other 3 weeks! And the causes have since shifted from burying generally older people who died of natural causes to relatively younger folk - sudden death, stroke, hypertension and cancers.
This week, as I sat down to draft this article, we received the dreaded news that the mother of a close friend of ours has rested. Cancer had abruptly ended her life after the most tumultuous year of hope, despair, then hope and then despair again. Prayers, fundraising, great progress, incredible pain and the whole world coming to a standstill.
Then, the very next day - another call. Another friend has lost their elder brother. He had complained of pain in the abdomen, did a few tests, nothing came positive, sent back home with some pain meds and before a second opinion could be actioned, he dies at home. And this is just a month after burying their mother.
Just a month prior, a childhood friend of mine called. The call finds me at a meeting, a busy day so I call in the evening after work - his dad, whom we had been praying for over a month and was showing signs of recovery is gone. Cancer.
What do you say to someone who has had their heart crushed into a thousand pieces?
First, it is to muster the courage to reach out and just dial that number. And this is incredibly unfortunate when you are living far apart from each other that you are not able to be physically present. Should you send a text message…what should it say?
When I called my friend, I immediately realised I didn’t know what to say…so I said what came to mind. Something like, “I heard the news…how are you feeling/doing?” and to my relief he was able to let me in on his state of mind and from then on we had a nice conversation that also made me feel better about everything.
I am an absolute amateur at this. But the sad reality is that death is absolutely certain - and it will come knocking close, whether you are ready or not. I am learning that we all need grief companionship skills.
Take a read at these personal accounts of people who have experienced grief publicly shared on a grief support forum for a sense into how some prefer to be supported during this difficult period of life.
“The friends who didn’t say ‘let me know if you need anything’ but rather figured out what I needed since I was in too much shock and in a fog to even know”
“Those who sat and listened and didn’t try to make it better since you really can’t”
“Those who didn’t ask nosy questions to determine what happened - when you lose a loved one suddenly, what matters is that you feel the absence of someone you care about. Don’t make the person relive whatever trauma.”
“I also appreciated those who told me stories about my loved one’s life from periods of time when I wasn’t present.”
“In the days following profound loss, everyone seemed to only be able to say “I’m sorry", "I can’t even imagine,” and my least favourite, “are you OK?” My answer to the last one was, “better than yesterday, worse than tomorrow.”
“My best friend came over almost every night for the first few weeks and made sure that I ate. He made sure I was OK on my darkest nights when all I felt like doing was crying.”
“My husband died suddenly of a heart attack. 42 years married, healthy, no hints of a problem. In the first few weeks, I was in shock, couldn’t really plan the celebration service, couldn’t do anything. People just jumped in, delivered food, took care of details. I remember laying on the couch, my grown son looking at me with concern, me unable to really understand.”
“I had many friends and family rally to me. A couple I know well brought a wonderful casserole and left it on my porch. It was so sweet. Gave me hope that I still have many friends who love me.”
Grief companionship is a term coined by grief expert Alan Wolfelt which means “walking alongside” someone who is grieving rather than treating grief as a disease that needs curing. This can be a useful template to knowing what to say, what not to say and what to and not do in supporting someone who is grieving.
If a grieving person could keep a daily journal from the moment of bereavement, it perhaps could give someone wondering how to comfort someone in a similar situation a glimpse of what could be genuinely helpful.
The truth is grief is complex, everyone handles it differently - so it may not be practical to think of a response template. But we can rely on the simple fact that everyone needs help - and a lot of it.
“First day [by] myself after he passed, I was dealing with brain fog, landmines and dissociation. I shouldn't have been behind the wheel but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. No, there was nothing anyone could do to give me the slightest relief. Today feels just as bad as that first day afterI lost him.”
From the above you can see that she probably would have appreciated someone driving her around, running an errand or two and perhaps distracting them from spiraling. But we can also see that our job is not solving, or what Wolfelt calls “curing” the grief - that is beyond our purview - professional help is the way to go when needed.
So what can you realistically do? What skills can you build on today to help you comfort a grieving friend better?
Active Listening: I have found this to work very well. Lend them your undivided attention, listen to their words without interrupting, judging or planning what you will have to say next. They can repeat their story as much as they need without nudges from you to do otherwise.
Emotional Validation: Spare yourself the trouble of trying to make things lighter. Instead, normalise their feelings by saying things like “It makes sense that you feel numb/lost/angry etc. right now.” It is most probably not going to be helpful trying to cheer them up.
Comfortable Silence: When they do not have the energy to talk, sit down quietly with them. Your physical presence alone is immense comfort already.
Proactive Helping: As we have read in the accounts above, offering specific, practical assistance is going to be invaluable to them. This is contrasted with asking “please let me know if you need anything,” when they are unlikely to have a good grasp of what they need. Bring a meal, offer to take care of grocery shopping, drop kids to school, offer to organise the candle lighting, etc.
Boundary Respecting: By all means be sure to give them space when they request it. Do not pry or seek more than they are willing to reveal. Accept their emotional state as it is without taking their irritability or distance personally.
Consistent Follow-Up: As we have seen above, grieving barely ends after burial. It can even be long-life. It is so sad, when everyone moves on with their lives after the ceremony. Check in with them weeks and months, even years after the loss occurred.
I think the long and short of the don’ts is - stop trying to cure the hurt. That is not possible. Instead, you want to take cues from them and be as helpful as possible without overreaching.
Some of the things to avoid saying to someone who is grieving include:
“They are in a better place,”: While this may be true and a seemingly positive thing to say to someone who is a believer, it can unfortunately minimise their current pain and longing thereby not serving the purpose of comforting.
“I know exactly how you feel.”: Do you really? It’s very unlikely that you will know exactly how they are feeling and this kind of statement may feel a little empty. Everyone’s grief journey is uniquely their own.
“At least you had X years together,”: Well, isn’t that just comforting! Of course it is objectively something to be grateful for, but at present it is the loss that is most profound. Using “at least”, may actually feel like a dismissal of their intense heartbreak.
At the end of the day, you are probably not going to do a perfect job. And you don’t need to - you are not an expert. What you are is a loving person trying to be there emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially and all for someone you care about.
You’ve got this!
